The question

In these two decades of existence, the one thing that I have realised bout myself with certainty is that I am a writer of gloom. Its only when I am sad, melancholic, frustrated or simply out of life that the pen in my hand breathes  free. Growing up, I always had this question in my head, screaming in search of a firm answer. The question of what's more important to me, inner peace or utter chaos? While peace makes me feel good,  the chaos boosts my creativity. And calling myself a 'writer', I am supposed to write, right!?  So what is it that I am drawing into my life?  The wrong things to get the right story or the right story overlooking all prospects of being a good writer!?  I really don't know. The chaos sucks. It honestly does. I do not like the depressed  me. I hate that version of myself which cries over petty things, stops talking to people,  isolates herself in a room and contemplates death. But I absolutely love the bubbly me. That state makes all my struggles worth the trouble. 

But then,  being happy is definitely not an inspiration enough for my creative juices to flow. I need to feel the pain to make my pen fill the paper. Right now, I am not exactly in that state which I call 'gloom', but I still pushed myself to sit and attempt writing down all those happy feelings.

Its 9:00 am as I write this,  I am bout to hit my 22nd year of existence in two months' time. I am bout to graduate in two months' time. I am two weeks away from taking a four-year-old serious relationship to yet another year of adventure and extravaganza. I am just a few days away from knowing whether I made it to the college of my choice. Its the 18th day of April, 2020. A day not very significant but definitely full of hopes. And anything that makes us hopeful is bound to be special. This being my recent learning from a girl called Aisha Chaudhury who is no longer alive, I feel like giving all my low phases another shot for no matter how shitty they make me feel,  they certainly leave behind something to adorn my diary and blog with.

My self reflections are never to stop but I must stop writing for now. The day has just begun. I need to work on an essay by Arnold and complete all those pending assignments. As I slither through yet another day of quarantine, I hope the day goes well for the universe as well!