Why is it that the best of our creative minds operate when we have an important task at hand? Not relatable? Well, I'm sure I'm not the only one picking up a novel and desperately trying to finish reading it (after weeks of ignoring it) right before an exam or an approaching deadline. I mean...I can't be the only one who writes her blogs and creative pieces when she has that fast-approaching pressure of a do-or-die task. I refuse to believe that I'm the only one who finds it logical and necessary to finalise her birthday wishlist on Myntra two months before her birthday on a Wednesday morning, when she knows she has to meet my Supervisor with 'visible work progress' in 3 hours! A Google search would fetch terms like productive procrastination, procrastivity or Mere Urgency Effect for this behaviour, and while the definitions do seem reasonable, it aches my soul to realise that despite knowing my cardinal flaw, I find myself absolutely incapable of changing the circumstances of my life.
As a child, I found it easier to deceive my heart's fancies and be a person who thinks logically and does what's needed to be done. Now, as I approach my thirties, I find myself very distracted and almost powerless in the face of my whims. And while it's not nice to blame one's inability to handle one's mind on external things, I do blame my phone, the internet, and social media for the slump, lack of ambition and pseudo-contentment that now defines my life. I have such a love-hate relationship with my phone right now. I don't remember the last time I lived away from it, and at the same time, I find myself miserably stretching for it and opening the same 3-4 apps every 1-2 minutes in the anticipation of some miraculous or exciting text or update. It's insane how these phones and technological marvels have the power to consume our souls and dwindle our sparkle without us realising. At this point, I'm not hesitant to admit that I'm addicted to my phone.
For the longest time, I refuted this and argued with people (meaning, my boyfriend) every time they pointed out that I'm addicted to my phone, but 2026 has been a year of revelations and realisations. And somehow I'm able to see more clearly than ever before how my phone is indeed the reason for my doom. All those Insta reels of parents blaming all diseases, issues or failures on the phone somehow make sense to me now. However, if you must know, there's a voice in my head that just won't stop bickering. It has been screaming since I was probably 7-8 years old, meaning the time when independent thinking and decision-making became possible for me. This voice, excuse my language, is the meanest b*tch I've ever encountered. She has not one nice thing to say about me, and I'm pretty sure she's alien to the concept of 'gratitude.' She could be the voice of the evil Gemini twin (for those of you who believe in zodiac signs and traits), or she could be my low self-esteem...I'm not sure who she is, but lately, she has made sleep (my one favourite thing) a rare luxury for me. I can't believe I've gone from being someone who slept at 10-10:30 pm to being this night owl who lies wide awake in bed at 1-2 am. If someone told me a decade back that I'd be spending money to buy Ashwagandha tablets and Magnesium supplements with hopes of sleeping better one day, I'd laugh at their face...but here we are....adulting makes us do all those things we were pretty sure about not doing as kids (smoking & drinking included)!
The only good thing about this voice in my head is that she points out my flaws even when I'm not ready to face them. So, to keep dear sanity in my corner, and to at least try fighting my evils, I'm deliberately trying to read more books these days. Lately, I'm forcing myself to watch movies during free hours when all I want to do is lie like a frog on my bed and use my thumb to scroll from one reel to the other until minutes become hours, eyes experience fatigue and there appears a void in the heart from constantly watching the seemingly perfect lives of others through a 6-inch screen in a 30 seconds' reel! I'm trying (and failing and trying again) to bring in a few more changes, but it's not easy to break a cycle that's been secretly continuing and strengthening its grip over my mind and body for almost a decade now. I don't know if being born in times when technology was booming was a boon or a bane. I have the memory of a life without my phone and the contentment of leading a life availing the many features of technology. The ones born after 2005 would have entered their adolescence with access to social media and technology, and the ones born before 1995 would have had access to technology only as adults, but the likes of me who had access to personal phones and social media before developing the determination and character to set limits on screen time, have a taste and memory of both worlds, and in their intersection goes our ability to balance their presence.
As always, I don't know where I'm going with this post. I began writing this after looking at one of my older blogs and realising that I miss writing, just for the heck of it. Seconds after this, I realised that I had more important deadlines and tasks that needed to be done before 5:30 pm, and weirdly enough, I absolutely HAD to come here immediately to write what you just read! The existence of this piece is a paradox and a mockery of all my efforts at being a more mindful adult! After all, when has one doomed to be a doomscroller brought the doom of their demons!?
