Of Breaks and Rekindlings

 

Living life through the lense of a loop,

Seeing things happening in a hoop,

Pangs of depression followed by

Moments of merriment and joy.

Oh heart, rest not for life is a loop:

Of unfamiliar familiarities it is a hoop.

Growing up, if there is one thing that I've constantly realised and internalised, then it has got to be the process of unlearning, learning and relearning. Those who know me personally would agree that I have the memory of a new-born child. Anything not emotionally linked to my core belief system, gets auto-erased from my memory. The process is as silent and effortless as stealing is to a kleptomaniac! But unsupportive jokes aside, this life lesson is something that I'd want this blog post to talk about. With unlearning, learning and relearning comes an important realisation that life happens in endless loops. I see this as undertaking life's long walk with a hula hoop constantly around our waist. The hula hoop doesn't necessarily keep us stagnated at one position but rather expands our horizon and enables us to walk further without us realising when a round of circling gets over and is succeeded by the next.

Image source: Pixabay

While life happening in circles is a rather arbitrary claim, I'd like to present an anecdote of a particularly dark episode of my life. It happens to be a rather recent development and one that I haven't discussed with too many people. In the month of August, I had gone home, back to Assam, for two weeks. I was visiting my folks after a good break of a year. When I had left home the year before (to attend my MA classes at Hyderabad), I made a commitment to return home only after completing the course. Having outlived my self-imposed exile and also attaining the brownie point of returning home with a "job" (yes, I had joined a Content Writing job at Bangalore soon after finishing my MA programme at Hyderabad), I was back home for a little break from all the chaos. But my trip home got shortened by a very unprecedented turn of events. The prestigious English and Foreign Languages University released its entrance test results for this particular one-year diploma programme that I had attempted in June. As someone who has never been a first-rank holder (academically), the release of this entrance-based merit list turned out to be a rather euphoric and significant moment of my life, for I had topped the list, and could see my name on the top of a numerical list, for the very first time. Naturally, I was elated and hysterical. My vanity was beyond satisfied and I instantly knew that this was God's way of compensating for not getting me into PhD this year. Manifestations of 'not having to sit idle after MA' seemed to be working after all! 

Since getting into academia was the goal from the start, I didn't think twice before availing the luxury of finally putting my Flexi-Plus return ticket to use! I preponed by trip back to Bangalore, cut short on my relaxing Assam trip, decided not to meet some friends this time and get my documents ready for the document verification process at Hyderabad, which was to take place on 1st September. Life's beautiful way of making the right things happen at the right time was making sense to me and I was glad that, I could save enough from my 2 months' salary to sponsor my trips home, my trip and stay at Hyderabad and even my admission at EFLU (albeit at centrally regulated and therefore subsidised rates). My meagre savings from two months were drained but I had absolutely no regrets! Afterall, I was returning to the university that had given me the best of friends and academic awakening. On a side note, I had resigned from my job immediately after getting the entrance results and as per my offer letter, I was prepared to serve a month's notice at the company, soon after getting back to Bangalore. 

Everything appeared to be going as per the bigger plan. I was affirmative that considering that my MA was in hybrid mode where professors gave us the flexibility to attend both offline and online classes and the fact that I was now an 'ex student,' the university, or rather the professors would readily agree and let me join the course after a month (since I had my notice period to serve)! But where do you see stories progressing that smoothly and as per the protagonist's plan any way? A plot twist was just round the corner and since it's me, there were two plot twists! For starters, EFLU was unwilling to listen to my plea, let alone co-operate with the idea of me physically being on campus a month late. I was told rather blatantly by the coordinator that if I don't come and settle down at the hostel in seven days, I'd lose my seat. I was dejected, but took the admission nonetheless. I returned to Bangalore the same night. 

On Monday, I went to office to interact with a rather disappointed and pissed off Manager who both understood my perspective and cursed his own luck for having hired and recommended a newbie who had resigned just two months after joining a full-time role. But he was a softie within, and could eventually see my passion for academics. Then came the second plot twist which can also be called my interaction with the HR guy. The HR guy brought to my notice that the clause of the notice period being a month-long while on probation was a mistake typical to my offer letter and that nowhere in the company policy is it supported. Everyone needs to serve a two-months' notice period and I had to abide by that. It was almost as if the universe was laughing at me and mocking me for being an impulsive, emotional fool. So many emotions were crowding my mind....I got into my dream University for yet another prestigious course but fate won't let me have it. I was mentally out of the corporate world (irrespective of my liking/disliking towards it) and now I had to stay for longer than I had anticipated. I was answerable to people at the office and it was kinda embarrassing to narrate the stupid story of my fate's game. Amidst all this internal chaos was the ultimate guilt of having wasted my sister's hard-earned money in paying the deposit of my Bangalore home and my own investments in making a home out of that room. I had hoped to live in Bangalore for at least a year when I initially moved in, hence the investments in a room and other worldly things. And here I was, planning a quick exit from the city in just four months. After all I had resigned. And EFLU clearly wouldn't let me join late. For one moment, I had two things and the next moment, I had none. With no job in hand and no chance of returning back to academics, the only sane and economically viable option at my disposal was going back home, living off my parents' money and preparing for NET. Well, if you know me as well as I know myself, then you'd agree that this was a disaster plan. I'd be frustrated within a week of returning and won't sit to study, because let's face it, I'm not much of a sit-and-study-sincerely kinda person. I'm a typical spoilt millennial who studies the night before exams, panics, loses sleep and does well despite it all. Naturally, all this was running in my head with images of different scenarios flashing one after the other. I was lost in the realm of possibilities as to how the year ahead would unfold. Things were still fine in my head till the end of my notice period on 25th October. As long as you have money coming into your account and a purpose to wake up to every morning (no matter how excited/dejected you get by it) things remain okay. For someone like me who's always been on the run, the calm nowhere-to-report-to, with no-deadlines-to-meet phase that followed job-end was extremely depressing. Reluctantly, I booked my return ticket home for the 17th of November. The only highlight being my Dad's seventieth birthday on the 18th. I foresaw nothing but darkness in the days after the 18th. My heart ached in ways I'm incapable of describing presently. Small-towners are answerable to so many people once they step into a bigger city. There'll always be that toxic uncle/aunt who'll give you the "Aisa kya ukhaad liya bahar jaake?" look in social gatherings. Previously, none of this bothered me because I have been financially independent since I was 19, but when I left my job this time, I also left all other means of side-hustle that I had (some of these were associations I've maintained for the last 3-4 years). I had a major burnout from constantly overworking myself. My MA Dissertation was a hectic project and I didn't allow myself a break after the completion of MA. I jumped straightaway into the corporate world just a week after leaving University. I thought that if I stop now I'll lose the spark. Turns out, that was a shitty theory.

The mind and body deserve a break - no matter how old or young you are. Breaks keep us going, breaks keep us young. Narrate my sad tale to anyone who professes otherwise!

So, after the 25th of October, life went from a speed of 10x to 0. With decreasing financial reserves, ample of free time and the solitude that comes with living alone in a city came the pangs of much-disliked depression. I had zero motivation to get up from bed because if I do, what will be my next course of action? I didn't wanna look at the laptop screen for longer than a second, hence re-approaching my clients was out of question. I wanted to take a break but this break was becoming a living nightmare and I wasn't ready to be back in game either. I've always been someone who loves the 5 am-10 pm routine and now, I was this grumpy kid who survived on chips and Maggi and showered reluctantly once in two days. Hope was an alien word now; light - an unfulfilled yearning. As the date of boarding my flight back home approached, a good friend requested me to stay back in Bangalore for a little longer and I complied. I rescheduled my return ticket from the 17th of November to the 4th of December (Flexi coming to rescue yet again). I was going through this rather dark phase secretly, always maintaining my hyped-up spirit while talking to my folks. My mum would often ask me on call, "Are you okay?" "Do you feel bad now that you're not working anymore?" and I'd usually say something like "Yeah, yeah. It's all good. Can't wait to be back home." But this one time, around the 11-12th of November, this same question of hers brought me tears. I hadn't cried about this whole episode until now. And that day, I hung up and cried. I cried for like 10-15 minutes. That's when I knew that I was in a constantly deepening pit of darkness and if something bright didn't come up soon, I'd sink.

I'm not a regular prayer but like they say, in our deepest moments of trouble, we turn to God. That day, after shedding tears of uncertainty and helplessness, I took a shower and humbled down before God's door. I asked him for light, any kind of light, but just something bright enough to redeem me from my pit of dissatisfaction and self-doubt. The light came, some five days later. Once again, in the form of two plot twists.

The first being a text from my landlord asking me to come collect my deposit. I had left my apartment before the completion of the 6-months lock-in period and there was little chance for me to get my deposit back. But I had played my word game while writing my vacating email and blamed my early exit on their shitty water supply (which was partly true). So, the landlord was returning my entire deposit (minus maintenance charges of course), assuming that me vacating the house was solely because of their incompetent services. I had initially thought of returning this deposit amount to my sister who would insist otherwise. But I wanted to return the amount to her and lessen my own guilt of not putting her money to the best use. Anyway, while on my way to collect the deposit, I got added to a WhatsApp group and you can call this the second plot twist. I got added to a group called "PGDTE 2022-23" by our course coordinator at EFLU. And 'amazed,' 'surprised,' 'shocked,' 'confused,' 'freaked out' are all understatements to express what I was feeling in that moment. Instantly, I texted a fellow-classmate from that course whom I had befriended on the admission day. He revealed the most unexpected news to me. He said, the course hasn't officially started yet. I was like, WTF???????

[Side Note: Later, I got to know that there were some internal admin issues which delayed the beginning of the academic session for most courses]

Once again, my brain started functioning in 10x speed. I was calculating all the pros and cons of this big revelation and having an internal debate as to whether I should return home or to Hyderabad. My sister's marriage was to take place from our home in a month and I knew that my presence at home would be helpful for my folks but then if I chose to return home, would I be letting go of the light I had prayed for? Am I being unreasonable and selfish yet again or is this something my soul needs from a quick redemption from the perennially deepening pit of anxiety and self-doubt? The chaos in my head seemed louder than Bangalore traffic on a weekday and I knew that my otherwise independent self now needed the opinion of the sagacious father. So I dialled my dad and explained the entire episode to him, mentioning all the pros and cons. He sensed my internal uncertainty but said nothing new. Just the same two words: Go ahead.

I asked for a more solid response and then he said, "Do what feels right."

So I did. I packed my bags (yet again). This was the fourth time in five months that I was shifting (what did I tell you about life being a box of clothes?). I had to pack my entire life and move to Hyderabad within 2 days to be able to join classes on the 21st of November. My slow-paced life momentarily picked up and I felt a smile on my face for the first time in three weeks. That smile was enough indication to tell me that I was making the right choice. It's been more than a month since I'm back at the campus now. I take small steps these days. Waking up on time, taking a shower every morning, eating healthy, getting my 10k steps and 7 hours of sleep, finishing assignments on time, reading for 20 minutes a day, interacting with peers and watching FRIENDS. That seems enough for now. Just two days back, I felt ready to finally re-initiate contact with my long-term writing client and I've delivered one article so far. I won't say I'm 100% ready to hustle again, but yes, I sought light and I've found it. The only objective right now is to keep that light going, in whatever capacity I can. I know I'll be faced with such an intense uncertainty again in one year's time and then again sometime later. This uncertainty keeps coming back to us in different forms, at different times, but we gotta keep ourselves afloat. When the inner spark evades, perhaps seeking light outside helps. But external light isn't 100% reliable. I was lucky that my prayers were heard this time but in life, it's plans and deeds that work, not prayers and pleas. I think, a graceful acceptance of my circumstances and a better perspective towards slowing down would have helped me cope better but then again, that's something I'm yet to develop. I'm working on it and so should you. Our plan A's, B's or even plan Z's should always make us feel in control of our life, if otherwise, then we're on a sinking ship. And that's my biggest learning from this episode.

That's where I leave you today....to reflect and enact. To breathe even when you feel suffocated, to walk even when all you wanna do is step back and lie down.

Childhood is sweet, so is adulthood

This post is about growing up and my perspective on this journey from being toddlers to taxpayers. I'm 22, soon to be 23, and as I enter the birthday month and what will be the last month here at the dream university, I realise that growing up has meant different things for different people, especially those I'm surrounded with. While some of us vibe to Zubeen Garg's epic Assamese song 'Jontro' that reminisces the golden days of childhood, some less fortunate ones thank heavens for ending the miserable period that childhood and being a 'dependent' was.

I say this not just from personal experiences on the journey of life, but from observations I've made for quite some time now. Childhood is a beautiful period of life - a chapter where maintaining cordial relationships, being nice even when you don't like a person, thinking about bills, dealing with expectations, failure, and other shit were out of the picture. Childhood is supposed to be that sweet phase of life where all we are concerned about are our games and grades - at least that's what Garg reminisces about in his song. However, this bright picture is the fate of a rare few and for the vast majority, we grow up to be broken colors that can still be used, but with a lot of care, or musical instruments still capable of melody, but with broken chords that need mending. A majority of us grow up to be broken children traumatised by past experiences of parental fights, disharmony, ailments, violence, abuse, penury, neglect, bias and so much more. What do you think is the take of these broken-children-turned-adults on childhood?

I'd say just one word: DARKNESS. Darkness and light are subjective because what's dark for me, might signify light for another. After all, the opportunities we take are chances missed by somebody else! Darkness, in my theory, is that feeling of helplessness, cluelessness, pain, absence of freedom, clarity, stability, happiness, love, health or wealth that makes us feel like we are under huge, thundering clouds that might soon drown us in an ocean of torrential rains! Darkness is the uncertainty that makes a 'peaceful night's sleep' intangible, it's the grave we push ourselves deeper into, every time we face an overwhelming situation. I can go on and on with my metaphors on darkness but I take it that you understand that I'm just trying to indicate earthly struggles here. 

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

So, while childhood is that sunny picture we'd all like to have framed in the living room wall of our house of memories, it can just be another ugly part of someone's life. For us less lucky folks on that childhood bit, adulthood is God's way of compensating (or at least I'd like to believe so). You ask why? 

Once again, I'd say just one word: POWER. I mean, don't you agree that as adults we have the power to voice out our opinions, perspectives, or preferences and stand up for ourselves!? Unless we give another being the power to speak over us ( could be a sibling, a parent, a partner, or even a child), the power to decide lies on our shoulders. That's the point of calling ourselves 'independent' right!? Independence could mean so much more than financial, or professional independence - it's this feeling of not being answerable to anyone for our actions and being in control of our destinies. Adulthood, irrespective of whether you're a university kid like me still living off your parents' money or whether you are that corporate worker living alone in a city, cooking their own meals, paying their own bills, and doing their own laundry; is this chapter of life that brings autonomy and the power to make our decisions and take responsibility of our actions. 

I speak for my tribe when I say, that childhood is sweet but so is adulthood. Yes, living with just the worry of finishing the homework or performing well in that Unit Test was nice, but so is this feeling I get every time I make an impromptu travel plan! I mean, can you imagine the joy felt by a girl out there on her own, without having to return before dusk or worrying about who will pick and drop her!? Or the contentment felt by a guy who can take his bike/car and go for a drive any time of the day/night he feels like? Or the respite found by a smoker/drinker who doesn't feel guilty for smoking/drinking or having to justify how it's something they like without having the need for a third party to come and remind of its repercussions? If you are an adult, with some trauma or baggage from your childhood but now find yourself at a better place as an adult then I'm sure you're just like me and feel that no matter how hard this adulting gets, it's manageable and survivable. Nothing's ever gonna be worse than the voicelessness experienced as kids with independent minds being subdued by external pressure. Nothing better than knowing for a fact that we alone are the pilots of the vehicle of our lives and that makes adulthood, with all its day-to-day struggles, an experience worth having and being grateful for.

Everything we do is and should be a personal choice. No child deserves to be the mediator of parents' fights or the subject of an elder's plight/frustration. No child is without a mind and voice of his/her own and suppressing that voice is the shittiest thing we do as adults. Often, parents don't realise this and use 'love' and 'concern' as excuses to sabotage the independence that their children are entitled to, since the day they were born. But hey, that's the best part about adulthood right!? We have the power to change the narrative. We can choose to be more compassionate, empathetic, patient and mentally and emotionally available parents when we choose to have kids. We can choose to be better versions of whoever we idolised as kids, or even abhorred as kids. We can be anyone we want to be, do anything we feel like doing, and just exist the way we prefer without ever having to worry about condemnation from another. I have realised this only recently and it hasn't been easy to get rid of the burden I carried in my heart for so long but thanks to two very special ladies I met here at EFLU, I now know that I am not answerable to anyone and don't need to feel guilty about doing anything that brings me pleasure, even if it's my life-givers. Not prescribing a rebellious and uncaring attitude here, just promoting the idea that the scope of thinking about the self is what makes adulthood different from our dependent childhoods and you may choose to disagree!

Life: An Endless Loop

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to grow up, deal with my problems independently, be financially stable, and give a lot of presents to my loved ones without having to think of the money to get these gifts. At 23, I am halfway there – living in a city quite far from home, living in a room which I can call my own, paying my bills (partially), and of course, showering my loved ones with occasional gifts and cards. But what I didn’t expect my twenties to be was this huge mess of emotions - a mixture of calm and chaos, and an almost comfortable feeling of uncertainty and unpredictability that makes me question every single decision I take, be it wearing that short but comfy dress, or applying for that placement job in the city I like but with a pay too less. Life decisions are only getting complex, and I have realized that being in your early twenties can be challenging (just as being an adolescent felt some years back). And if I think of it now, the sixth standard seemed so much worse than the fourth, and twelfth was way more horrendous than the tenth, but while in eight, the tenth boards were all we dreaded. Perhaps what I’m trying to suggest here is the increasing level of complexity at every stage of life where we are taken uphill, to our own Everests, at our own pace, with our individual set of problems which we deem ‘challenging.’ Interestingly, all these levels seem like the MOST DIFFICULT THING WE HAVE TO DO IN LIFE until it's done and dusted and we are confronted with the next level of difficulty – don't you feel that all this is an endless loop?

You may be in your teens and be worried about getting into the right institution for higher education, or you may be in your early twenties and contemplating what to do after you graduate (much like me). You may be a person being pressurized by family and society to ‘settle down’ or you might be a married individual starting a family. You may be a young, clueless parent certain about what not to become as a parent and yet finding yourself clueless as to how to be all that you missed in your own childhood, or you might be a person struggling to find your identity without the job, or person you thought would be a defining character in your life – all the struggles we can possibly list, are as difficult as we feel them to be and we are right in feeling that the world doesn’t understand the quandary we are faced with, at any given time. It's all valid, and yet what we tend to forget is the potential we carry within ourselves to overcome each of these challenges.

 

I feel so lost right now because life doesn’t get easier for me (or anybody for that matter): it only gets intense. I’m 23, soon I’ll be out of college and still wondering what to do with my life while trying to be happy at the success of people around me and attempting to console those who may have had harder fates than mine. We are all doing the best we can. I have a million things to say about this phase of not knowing where we are headed and yet being in love with the imaginations we have of the future, the recurring questions we feel upon seeing people live our dreams, and still finding ourselves miles away from being anywhere near that vision. But hey, this post isn’t about me or my realizations, it's neither about you, it's about life, and its consistent attempt at making the puzzle more and more complex for people - for you and me.

The complexity shall remain but learning the art to smile between those difficult hours, rediscovering ourselves, and finding a sense of contentment with how far we’ve come and where we are headed is what the objective of this maze is. Life’s maze ends when we die, but until then, all those days that feel shitty, when the world seems boring, and our chores seem pointless, when people seem mean, and loved ones sound annoying  - all these nasty days are to be heaved out. I’ve realized that breathing these dark days out is the key to reaching all those hopeful days when we feel like we have achieved what we wanted to, or found answers to the questions that always bothered us. And if reaching that optimistic feeling means taking a step back, re-learning a lesson we might have forgotten, re-working on our basic values, or going back to a mechanism that previously worked for us, then what's the harm in taking such a step back, right!? After all, reaching our Everest isn't always about taking steps forward, sometimes, a step back can become the push needed to take ten steps ahead!