The magnificent and the mundane

    Sometimes I wonder if I'm living a lie. Sometimes my life seems too good to be true. You know, those moments when you're on a car ride with those you hold close: there's the beautiful scenery outside, a chilling breeze adding layers to your hair, there's carefree laughter, a sense of belongingness, a sense of joy, contentment, peace and everything else that completes the idea of perfection and bliss. And then there are times when life seems a lie because of all the unwanted solitude, the self-imposed exile, the disturbing thoughts, the weight kept on your chest to relieve loved ones from the pain your words might inflict on them, the weight of carrying unrevealable secrets and sins, the self-loathe driven by under-achievement and exceeding expectations from the self and others...and just plain, painful existence. Both scenarios make life seem like a lie and I don't know why but in recollection, the two emotions feel the same. Like, the good days and the bad days merge to become this memory that life is...it's so simple that I find this explanation futile yet much needed for my emotional release. 

    There's so much more I can add to this, and maybe I will today. Why leave everything to be understood or implied? Sometimes it's good to address and acknowledge the obvious. If not for the world, then at least for the self...not doing so, in my opinion, eventually fades out the thin line between the 'magnificent' and the 'mundane'. So, I'll attempt to track my magnificent and mundane moments today, so that, I know that my existence isn't futile, no matter what the inner insecurities make me believe.

    I'm sitting in a park, surrounded by strangers of all age groups and presumably, different social classes. There's the old couple that's lived life, gained perspective, done their duties and is now out for a walk. There's the middle-aged couple that probably has lived a middle-class life providing for the family and is now struggling with the growing ailments of middle age, and hence has incorporated an evening walk into their schedule. There are countless kids at the play area with their boisterous chattering and antics, the bachelors running hard to let go of academic and/or professional baggage. The teenagers on the phone with their lovers can't be missed either. And then amidst all this stereotypical and subconscious story-formation in the head, while brisk walking to release my own mental blockage, there's the accidental eye contact with a sweet-looking elderly, the innocent smile of a toddler being held from both sides by either parent, the pleasurable checking-out of a good looking stranger and the excitement of treating myself with coconut water after finishing the much needed 10k steps of the day. This mundane seems magnificent right now and I'm sure it will continue to feel the same if and when I come back to this post later.

    The magnificent for me, also includes the kindness I receive every day, the help I get without asking for it, and the compassion extended my way when there's little hope of even being understood. Friends who go the extra mile to make you reach your destination, people who let you inhabit their private spaces and make you feel welcome, so that you may experience that which was probably never accessible to them, lovers who overlook your flaws and make you feel loved despite it all, parents who seldom show affection but manage to get print-outs of you posting about your achievements online, despite their technological inexperience and barriers. I wish I had better memory and permanent storage in my head to remember the countless moments of love and affection I've received lately, but there's nothing that matches words. Words have always been my truest comrade, not pictures, not videos, just words. And of late, I've learned to appreciate gestures too. So, deeds recollected in words are what I find to be the best means of recording the magnificent and perhaps, of overlooking or letting go of the not-so-magnificent (mundane) memories.

    Coming back to things that make my life seem like a lie in a good way. Talk about funny friends whose comments make you laugh hysterically and forget all your woes. Or a home-cooked meal prepared with love, a long hug where you can feel the other person's heart pump, an eagerly awaited text from a loved one, appreciation from a mentor, expressing gratitude for the kindness received, taking the high road and keeping your cool when all you want to do is be as sarcastic, insensitive or mean as the other person...basically, all things that sustain relationships and help them thrive. There's more but I feel content and must stop now. As perfect as the picture of the park I described above is, it is not without mosquitoes, so I must leave now.

Here's to living life despite the moments when it doesn't feel worth living. Here's to cherishing the good, embracing the bad and finding a way to redefine the ugly. Here's to the magnificent in the mundane!

Let's rant, shall we?

 

I have always tried to make this blog a space where the lighter side of life steals the limelight. But an occasional variation doesn't do much harm, does it? I don't have a positive highlight for this post... it's just me blabbering yet again. Happy reading!

I am told that writing is my strength and that I should write often. But nobody tells me how? How do I write on days when I can't even feel things I desperately want to feel? How can I be creative on days when even doing the basic chores feels like a task?

I am blessed to be living on a central university campus where I get to interact with people my age from the entire country on a daily basis. My conversations with some of these people have made one thing clear: mental well-being is one of the most important issues the world needs to address today irrespective of gender, age, profession and other classifiers. I feel that along with driving, swimming, financial planning and sex education lessons, psychology should also be one of the life-skill-enhancing subjects taught in our school curriculum. That way, we're at least preparing people for real-world challenges!

It's mind-boggling to realise that human reactions to everyday problems are largely triggered by their past experiences, heartbreaks, traumas, setbacks and pain. Everyone is healing. Everyone is scarred. From a five-year-old kid to a ninety-year-old elderly....nobody here is writing on a clean slate. We deal with broken colours, faded prints, unclean boards and consequent moods around us. So while we must be kind to one another, we should also acknowledge the fact that we too are human and might come out as rude, insensitive, unkind or mean at times and while that may be unintentional, it's still heartbreaking for the recipient.

I can't go into the details, but lately, I've realised that love is a myth. Love is an obligation, love is a duty, love is a need, love is codependency, love is a habit, love is showing up when all you want to do is run away. I started this blog as a sixteen-year-old girl stuck in tears of unrequited love. Today, as an almost 24-year-old, I realise that the first blog post I wrote here was perhaps the purest form of love I've felt. As you grow older, you realise that love isn't always the romantic image that movies, novels, reels, poems, society or our vanity feeds us. Love is different for different people. Love languages are different and sometimes, in fact, most times, we end up with people who don't share the same language as us. But we don't stop loving them, we just make our peace with the mutual unintelligibility of our love languages. 

Love is routine. Love is boring. Loving is dull but passionate. Love is empty but fulfilling. Love is painful yet the most peaceful emotion you'll ever experience. Love is the poisonous elixir that keeps us running while making us tired of it all. Perfection in love is inexistent. But love itself? It's the perfect oxymoron of all things right and all things wrong.

Having said that, it's also true that not every love story reaches its happy ending. Sometimes, the love we share with one becomes the roadblock to happiness in our relationship with another (childhood trauma coming in the way of our adult relationships is a classic example). Love can become the pinching weight on our fragile hearts that makes us yearn for the 'what ifs' all the while knowing that that picture is never going to be 'complete' or even 'happy' for that matter. This is what happens in modern-day relationships too. We all bring our pasts, and that one ex we regret losing, or perhaps regret never having and that memory comes in the way of our relationship with our current partner. In other cases, it's the expectations of flawlessness and the realisation that 'I don't need to take shit from another.' By now, you must have understood that I've really just come here to rant today. So hear me out some more.

I come across rude, mean and insensitive people and begin to wonder: why is he/she being mean to me when all I've been to them is nice? Anger and bitterness is the first instinctive response to unkind behaviour, but trust me, every person who's gone bitter on the world has had someone close to them spit the seeds of bitterness on their face, or experienced some incident grave enough to impact their core beliefs and behaviour. Grief left unexpressed often manifests as unkindness or coldness to those around. People often don't realise that they are yet to heal from past scars.

So, all this rant on love and pain is just to say the obvious: human actions are always logically explainable and often emotionally charged. At this point, learning the art of forgiving the other and the self seems like the key to a peaceful night's sleep after a day of analysing one's daily actions and reactions! And with that, I lay another burden off my chest, dear reader. I don't know if any of that made sense to you. I'll be honest, I've been cruel lately, rather, fate has been cruel and unfortunately, I'm cursed to live with the repercussions. I'm gradually learning the art of smiling while being stuck somewhere. This piece was really just me getting some writer's respite. Thank you for making it till here!

P.S.: I've recently added the 'Leave a message' field to this blog. So go ahead and text me the things that make you mad, sad, happy, angry or anything today (it comes directly to my mailbox, so no broadcasting happening)! Feel free to drop me a text!