Day 1 of 2025 was spent in the sweet company of these uber cool women who have a lot to do with my current (more-or-less) healthy body image and self-love efforts, and we made do with each other's minor annoying habits in a smoke-filled room with bhai-baap ki galis, booze, and room service. Our sober asses also donned sarees, dined at a famous spot where we inhaled heavenly Chicken Biryani (yes, with aloo in it), clicked pictures, and watched a beautiful sunset at a park that our friend, who studied in Kolkata, had profound memories of. Day 2 of 2025 saw us depart for our respective adult lives, and I had fortunately booked a flight this time. I returned to an empty hostel room because my roommate had submitted her thesis and was asked to vacate the room by 31 December. I missed her departure, but she left behind the sweetest note, along with a box of sweets and a fridge magnet from her recent trip to Srisailam, which I continue to cherish even today. The rest of January had highlights like waking up super early one morning to go to Naimisam with three other co-scholars on a nature walk, spending time at the library, reading room and computer lab trying to make sense of the overtly complicated sentences that researchers put forth to talk about sometimes simple but mostly layered ELT theories, and then finding respite in a few drops of a divine fluid. A lot of healthy eating was also done in January, with colours like pink and green adorning my plate more often than I'd imagine. January also saw me attend a conference and endure some adopted-child treatment (directly translated from the Assamese, maahi maakor jiyek) from someone who has a lot of control over my mental health these days.
It was soon February, and I found myself in Bangalore attending Saraswati Puja at an Assamese Society's event along with one of my childhood friends and two other friends from our hometown, donning beautiful Mekhela Chadars. The first two weeks of February saw me partake in academic conferences as well...I helped organise one in my department and presented a paper in another at HCU. The other highlights from Feb include spending Valentine's Day with one of my dear PhD friends, and then being visited by my maternal cousin and her husband, whom I don't have to pretend to like, and can actually have fun hanging out with.
The transition from Feb to March can only be found by looking at the dates on the pictures from the gallery because I spent 28 Feb at a sleepover at my Saraswati Puja day friend (from above) and enjoyed March 1 devouring the delicious home-cooked meal she fed me. She works now, and often pampers me with her splendid hospitality and cafe outings where I don't really have to scan a QR. I was back to my khichdi and tehri eating life in no time, and fortunately, my PhD friends are likeable enough to not have a bad day for too long. On 7th March, my pink iPad was delivered, and I was happy that I had the option of getting it through no-cost EMIs, thanks to the fancy credit card of the significant other. Mid-March had me in Mumbai with my sister and darling Goan friend who now lives there. I also went to Shirdi with my sister on this trip, where I felt the divine energy like never before. It was one of the most spiritual moments of my life. March has more highlights than I expected because I also got to attend the beautiful Iftar meet organised by the Muslim students on campus, and had my first-ever park picnic with the Valentine's Day friend from above.
April saw me pace up my reading in the first half because I was homebound for Bihu, and to sum up April and May, all I can say is, I could fortunately skip the Hyderabad heat, enjoy a little rain at home amidst all the humidity that defines our part of the country, conduct meaningful field visits and interviews towards my thesis, and also tried being a tour guide for my MA gang from Jan 1. Together, we explored Guwahati, Meghalaya, Duliajan and parts of Arunachal, all within a budget. I'd like to believe that I did a good job guiding them, and I hope they had a good time, 'cause I sure did!
June was birthday month, but also significant because I had the opportunity to be a language instructor for IPS officers who were receiving their training at the National Police Academy in the city. It was such a humbling experience to be on the other end of the classroom for this intellectual group of leaders. I had to spend hours preparing for my sessions so that I didn't sound foolish before them, and it was also nice because NPA fed and paid us well (although after a LOT of delay). Birthday month was also when I went to Mysore to serve my time as a so-called language expert, and by mid-June, began the two most excruciating months of the year. I was doing a 9-5 job while writing my mini-thesis, handling difficult paperwork virtually, trying to fit into a new life, make new friends, sleep enough, work enough, make time for the significant other, and just exist. It is a pity that it has been nearly 5 months since my return to my normal PhD life, and I'm still unable to find the momentum and balance that defined my 'normal' here earlier. I struggle every day to make peace with my routine, and on most days, I go to bed unsatisfied with my productive energy. I've had a similar burnout after my MA and brief corporate stint back in 2022. Then, too, I took a lot of time to get back to my usually ambitious self. I've been kind to myself on average days, but mostly been too hard on myself because, you know, I'm not really doing what I was supposed to be doing in Hyderabad. I know I will find my way back, but that inner voice, especially when accentuated by an overpowering superior, makes your mental state all the more fragile. I don't want to address this burnout and slow-recovery phase any further, but yes, relentless work can and does take a toll on our well-being, and I wish more people could acknowledge this, especially those from the older generations.
A look at my Instagram tells that I keep travelling, but like all things that shine, my life too isn't all gold. I know there is no explaining this to the friends/acquaintances who have already put me in a category in their head, but to my mind and heart, my travels no longer bring me joy...they are mere obligations that I'm not strong/bold enough to get out of. A lot of my life is obliging to people and things for the sheer fear of breaking their hearts and causing them pain, because, low-key, I'm still not healed from all the rejection I've endured since childhood. We give what we seek, and we seek what our inner child yearned for. Unhealed scars have a way of catching up with adult personalities, and mere awareness of this seldom helps escape the loop. Healing is a process, and I am on that journey....things are a lot better now, but I believe there's a long way for me to go before I stop caring about the unnecessary things/people in life.
Anyway, a few other significant ugly things from 2025 include the untimely demise of my Lit professor from UG, whom I deeply revered. I hate the fact that I took my time with him for granted and didn't visit him enough after the end of BA. I also lost my maternal aunt and grandmother this year...and while this loss didn't have as profound an impact on me as it should have had (thanks to family conflicts and politics), I did ache seeing my mother suffer. She is still struggling to accept the idea of living in a world without her mother and older sibling. The loss of a parent and sibling is one of the cruellest losses in the world, and I hate that we all have to go through it at some point.
Moving on, I met my sister two more times this year, and took swimming lessons, where I learned to float, but I didn't do a great job at it, and you can read more on this here. Some of the places I visited this year include Kolkata, Assam, Meghalaya, Mumbai, Bangalore, Mysore, Pune, Shirdi, Varkala, and Goa. That's a lot, and I did enjoy these places while I was there. We live life as it happens, through the ugly, between the dark. As long as our pictures look happy, we can convince our reflective memory that life isn't that bad after all! The biggest struggles this year have been with the unstable dynamic I have with an inevitable superior, the significant other, and money. But, we hope to live through all of them till newer/bigger challenges make our past struggles seem too trivial!
As for my expectations of myself in 2026, I'd like to practice gratitude, consistency in academics, resilience to endure the harsh words of the inevitable characters of life, mindfulness in spending money, and the art of saying no in a polite manner. More on this next year.
Happy New Year to you, dear reader! If you made it till here, you must really love me, and for that I'm deeply grateful. Sending virtual hugs to each one of you. May there be love and light in your 2026!
Love,
Gayatri
