Power of Manifestation

Location: EFL-U Campus, Hyderabad

    I had a very productive morning; it's only 8.58 am as I write this, and I feel proud of myself for sticking to the commitment I made to myself of working out at least 3–4 days a week. Today's a Wednesday, and since my Monday and Tuesday were hectic, I began my workout week today, so it's day 1. I need to stick through this regime for another 3–4 days, meaning the rest of the week to be able to pat my back for being a good girl who respects her goals and loves herself enough to care for her body when it needs the care. Anyhow, in case you're wondering how the title of this post and the first line of this blog are related, then here's a story:

    Until two months ago, I was living an unsatisfactory life—socially, emotionally, intellectually, academically, financially, and in every other -ially way possible. During those dark times when sustaining life one day at a time was the sole objective of living, I prayed. Everyone who claims to be an atheist (like I used to do until 1-2 years ago) needs to find themselves alone at their lowest, and there comes the realisation that yes, God may not exist, but man's belief in him keeps him afloat. That's how, at least, my perception of a higher power—a divine creator—has evolved over time. God may not be the pictures and idols we worship; he/she/it may not like the things and delicacies we offer, but the belief that some higher energy exists, is watching you, believes in you, and shall help you make things better for yourself goes a LONG way when in the middle of the crisis sea alone.

    I found my God during these seven months that I chose to live alone in a rented house in Guwahati. Since it was the transition phase, I barely had any friends; the few that I did were mostly always busy with their own shit. I wasn't someone who enjoyed her own company back then, I have come a long way since then, but I still get gloomy if left alone for more than 24 hours. Anyway, the prolonged unwanted solitude made me gloomier, and I began writing a manifestation journal. My sister suggested that I use a red pen (idk why, but I did) and write down the things I wanted to happen for myself. I began doing that. One day, it was "I am kind to myself and love my own company." And some other day it would be "I am making good progress in my research work." I would fill the page with the same sentence and call it the day's manifestation. I would even light an incense stick before the deities in my room (whose installation was my mind's safety net against possible ghosts and spirits, lol) and sing a prayer in my own way of addressing God, which would usually begin with an internal monologue of "Hi, what's up?"

    Anyhow, today I'm in a better place. I have been able to walk out of the turmoil and embrace all that life has made possible for me. I'm also slowly embracing the fact that it's okay if I am not always earning; I need to learn to live off the pocket money I get like most kids do. My biggest handicap is my inability to manage my money and I feel that's why God keeps testing me with paucity. I kinda feel like I'm the younger version of my dad when this happens, but I'm a fool if I can't learn, evolve, and change in spite of this self-awareness. Anyway, right now, I've embraced the life of a scholar who engages solely in academic pursuits, and I know this will be rewarding in its due time. When you're an unemployed adult still in academia, it's hard to navigate the dilemma of, 'Should I even be doing this? Should I just drop out and start working like everybody else?' You may have a zillion people telling you that it's just a struggle period before you reap the sweet fruits of your hard work and all that, but inner acceptance is all that matters.

    So when these and many other existential thoughts cross my mind, at least ten times on a normal day (and about a thousand times when I'm PMS-ing), I write. I write gratitude notes, I write manifestation sentences, I pray and I hope. Hope keeps the boat afloat. That's the golden rule of my life right now and, of course, manifestation. This has been a common term in the social media world lately, but I realised its power this morning when a ray of the monsoon sunlight gently made its way to my room through the netted window and showed me how I'm exactly where I dreamed to be in my lowest times, a few months ago. Visualizing your happy picture takes you closer to it than you can ever imagine.

    So, I guess, what I'm trying to say here is this: Dream of your happy place quite often, and soon your reality will feel happier than that picture!

Happy Wednesday!

Life of a Researcher - Part I

Dear Readers,

I know my blog has received its share of appreciation and encouragement from my loved ones over the last nine years and for that, I'm so very grateful. I began writing as a sixteen-year-old love-lorn teenager and am now a twenty-five-year-old research scholar. A lot has changed within and around me over these years and as I sit here today, finally satisfied with where I've landed for my Ph.D., I'm compelled to make a mid-year status update here, to let you and the self know that good things take time and that not every rejection means you're unworthy or undeserving. I've realised that patience and gratitude despite dearth are the key to changing the circumstances of one's life.

As you'd recall, or perhaps find through scrolling this blog, I took a major life decision around a year back, packed my life in cartons and bags, and moved to a city, closer to home, yet distant from being my 'home.' I went there with an open heart but was satisfied and content there on very few occasions. In retrospect, I'd like to believe that God was testing my endurance and ability to sustain solo. I now think of my time at Guwahati as a trailer for the movie that Ph.D. is - an arduous and lonely journey towards a title that comes after much study, perseverance and patience.

It took a lot of guilt and the pressure of disappointing academic stalwarts for me to leave Guwahati and return to my alma mater, here in Hyderabad. It's been two weeks that I'm back to this campus that once liberated my caged thoughts and dreams, and suddenly, I find myself feeling all the feels that Ph.D. is known for. The title of a 'Doctor,' comes after much sacrifice. To see people your age earn hefty salaries and lead their best lives, or to think of making ends meet on a tight monthly budget; to think of the next topic you're going to work on for an upcoming conference or to constantly ponder about your research variables and study methodology, to wonder if you're losing your social skills by not doing social stuff for far too long, or to wonder if your friends will outgrow your company owing to prolonged loss of contact....are some of the perennial dilemmas that adorn the seemingly prestigious crown of being a research scholar.

When people say that it's wise to have a JRF before joining a Ph.D., they're right in a way because the financial dependency on family and the constant blow on one's self-esteem can be counter-productive in the research journey which in itself is known to be challenging. That being said, one must also remember that a meagre 1% of the lakhs of thousands of candidates sitting for the NET exams every cycle get selected for JRF. Being from an unreserved category just amplifies the probability of not bagging a Junior Research Fellowship. But even when you have a JRF, one cannot expect that life will be any better, because the journey to earn a Ph.D. in itself is excruciating on many levels. So how does one ensure a heartbreak-free journey?

In all honesty, one cannot have this assurance that every day of this journey will be fruitful, satisfying or even productive. There will be good days with a lot of progress and hope, and then there will be the not-so-good days when one questions their worth, worthiness or even knowledge. And this isn't specific to just the life of a research scholar. You may be a corporate employee, a govt. job holder, a homemaker, retired personnel or just anybody with one or more of your wishes and prayers granted, and while living those dreams and wishes, you'll still feel incomplete, unhappy or unfulfilled. That's how humans were made....that's where the basic economic theory of 'human wants are unlimited' comes into play.

I began this blog post by stating how I felt the need to update here how my life has been as a Ph.D. student and as I began delving into my chain of thoughts regarding this, I realised that there are multiple layers to this question and not every state of mind is apt to address all of these layers. Today, I spoke more about the lonely and arduous part of it, I'm certain that on another day when the sun shines brighter, I'll have better things to say about this sweet journey towards self-discovery and knowledge expansion. Until then, I'd like to share some of my favourite pictures that symbolise my research journey: