On Loyalty Nests

    In between feeling things and doing things, sometimes I don't find the time to write things, document things, observe things, or embrace things for what they are. In this fleeting life, moments, connections we build, emotions we feel, and the love we experience are also of a fleeting nature. No matter how hard one tries, one cannot ever fully capture a special memory for eternity. Moments have their way of fading away, but what one feels in a moment is authentic. It's pure love and unadulterated affection for someone's act of kindness, admiration of someone's wise words, or simply amazement at someone's existence in your life. I don't know whether it's fortunate or unfortunate, but I have the memory of a goldfish. I have at least 12–15 people I can call members of my inner circle right now and these aren't related to me by blood. I am aware that this number is bound to reduce over time, but right now, despite all our individual differences, I believe 12–15 is the number. And with all these people, I've shared a good chunk of my evolution. While my school gang saw me make peace with my financial situation and aspirations (and also begin a relationship that is now an integral part of my being), my graduation gang saw me stifle through penury and the struggles of this said relationship. While my MA gang transformed me and changed all the toxic traits in me that my BA gang had to tolerate, my DTE gang was conveniently there when each of us wanted to socialize, or perhaps needed a shoulder to cry on. These relationships have blossomed in different capacities and some people have made a significant mark on my life despite being remembered as a group or perhaps, being remembered as individuals. For instance, the only person I confide in now during my PhD, or perhaps another friend from my childhood who was a part of my early childhood trio. So many faces and memories flash before my mind as I type this, it is almost as if someone has played the auto-curated Apple movie of images in my memory album.

Source: HelgaKa

    Anyhow, the point here is my constant struggle to identify as someone with fixed interests, hangout groups, or 'loyalty nests' if we could call it that. I was recently accused of not being 'there' by a close friend from one of the groups I've briefly talked about. I had a friendship breakup for a night and couldn't sleep that night wondering what was my fault and how I could rectify it. Thankfully, the group found its way back to being alive, but a part of me shall always remain hesitant to ever be truly myself again there, despite that space being a holy sanctity of evolution and self-love for me. The fragility of human relationships doesn't get portrayed any better than these lines by Kabir:

रहिमन धागा प्रेम का, मत तोड़ो चटकाय।

टूटे से फिर ना जुड़े, जुड़े गांठ परि जाय।।

    Our twenties see us give shape to our dreams, find our passions, and our professions for the next 3 active decades of our lives, find and marry our partners, and adjust to new cities, new homes, and new families. There's also the pain of losing parents, the joy and responsibility of becoming parents (both of these being circumstantial, and possibly an affair of the thirties/forties for many), setting and achieving financial goals, health goals, and a whole lot of other things that happen in the background as we navigate the terribly confusing and beautifully challenging times that our twenties are. In the process, how does one find the time to be 'there' especially if their inner circle comprises, let's say 12-15 people? Where does one find the time, energy, resources, and freedom to catch up with all the 12-15 struggle stories? This post is not my excuse for being a bad friend, it's more of my attempt to identify what can I possibly do to do it all right. The answer I realise, is nothing.

    I cannot really do much to stay 'loyal' to the 'loyalty nests.' And that's the whole story of life. This feels like the beginning of the process of going from 100 friends to 50 friends and 50 acquaintances, to finally coming down to 2 friends or 0 friends. That's how my dad, a septuagenarian finds himself spending all of his day at the house now, whereas, until a decade back, he had at least 1-2 friends he could occasionally go and hang out with. People drift apart, things happen, sometimes intentionally, at other times unintentionally, people get hurt, people become too proud to forgive, and relationships suffer. Man, the once social, people-pleasing being with many friends, now becomes a comrade of his/her own emptiness and void. Loyalty nests get converted to lonely nests and before we know it, a lifetime has passed.