It's never too late!

Its beautiful how life unfolds itself in the most subtle manner and silently answers every single question that had baffled our minds at some point of time in the past. When I left home to pursue higher studies, I left back a mom, a dad and a brother seven years older to me who, for some foul trickeries of fate could never go out of our little hometown to pursue his passions.

Back then it wasnt so hard to leave home, for I knew that my dreams were calling out to me and that the fire of youth will compensate for all the longings I had for the cosy bed at home, and the bright warm faces that had lit up my world until then.

But last sunday when bored with the plain hostel food, I joined my friend's mother for lunch at their place, I realised something that I feel is worth a share. 

Brothers. Sisters. Siblings. Cousins. These are words that bring in happy images of carefree childhood days isn't it? While all young adults and adults reading this who have moved out of their parental homes would agree to me, teens who still have fights over the TV remote or the bigger piece of the cake with their siblings might slightly differ. Nonetheless, with time, each of us do grow beyond that phase and kinda start missing all those lovely times when false complaints to our parents about our elder siblings hitting us would get them scoldings and beatings and bring us immense pleasure, when showing off our sibling's belongings as if they are our own in front of peers brought in pride, when meals together with them was routine and not rare. While some lucky siblings continue to share the same bond long after they have matured and started leading individual family lives, most lose that warm touch of reminiscent childhood. 

In some cases, siblings die untimely deaths, while in others they go through personal problems which drift us apart. Reasons are many but the outcome is the same: an unexpressed, suppressed and unattended longing for the partners who made childhood memorable, the ones whose roots are same as ours - our brothers, sisters and cousins.

You might wonder how is all this relevant to my lunch with my friend's mom!? Well, the lady I am talking about is a strong, independent woman who swiftly manages home and work and is an ideal modern day woman. She is probably in her early fifties and is a person whose outlook on life makes me want to become a philantrophist and live a life of impact (which is perhaps everyone's ultimate goal that gets lost in achieving one's interim targets). She was ironing some clothes post lunch and had opened her wardrobe to put the clothes in when I commended the precision with which everything was placed and organised in her cupboard. She then said, "None of this is mine Beta, all this belongs to my younger sister." I knew that the sister she was referring to had died in a car accident a couple of years back and an acute pain struck me then. There was agony in her eyes when she said, "Who will keep her belongings if I dont!? Its funny how life unfolds itself. 

What I wear to work never bothered me, but she always brought in new dresses for me to wear to work. I never bought myself a dress after she left, nor will I ever." This struck my conscience so bad that for a moment I felt like running back to my sister and brother and hugging them tight. 

None of us know what the future holds. Who is around for how long is a mystery. What exists today might just disappear tomorrow and there is nothing you can do about it. Its just the law of nature! So why wait until tomorrow!? Expressing our fondness for our siblings and loved ones takes nothing from us. Not everyone is equally expressive, I too find it very difficult to say what rests in my heart but if we do not even try opening up then we might end up living in our cocoons forever.  That is scarier than even death!

Its so much easier to speak when you can than living with the regret of never opening up while things were still bright and there still was time! This incident has changed my outlook and approach. I hope its an eye opener to all those beings who let their emotions lie in a cocoon as well!

Solitude speaks

I am a F.R.I.E.N.D.S fan and love any F.R.I.E.N.D.S reference. I love it when I come across stuff related to F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I happen to have a "I'll be there for you" pillow and a poster in my room which whenever looked at, leaves me with a smile. 

But right now, as I hear the vehicles rattling by in the street outside, and sit alone in my hostel room hoping to get that one call or message from the person I want to hear from, I realise how unhappy I am from within at this moment in spite of having life's best blessings.

Its a monday and I didnt have to go to college, I was broke and got gifted with cash from an Uncle, while everyone else is sulking in the heat elsewhere, I am sitting cosily under covers because I am at Shillong - a place so soothing weather wise. And what else!? Yeah, I am studying dramas and novels to pass exams which is what I always loved. So life is basically being nice to me. The only thing making me sad are my expectations that I never really speak out loud for people to understand.

My pillow and my poster shriek out to me saying "I'll be there for you" and it finally dawns on me that maybe this is what I need to do. How many times have you and I looked into the mirror and said ourselves that we will be there for our inner self when it feels low and lonely!? I do not know about you but I have never done that. I expect others to cheer me up when internally I have already decided to be unhappy. I expect others to be there for me when I never was there for myself.

"WE" are our biggest comrades. No body lives with us for so long a duration as we live with ourselves. Your parents, your siblings, your bestfriends, your spouses, your love partners are all there and yet in your deepest moment of grief or solitude its just your inner conscience speaking to you with an unheard voice that you have for company.

So I am gonna go now and hang out with myself. I am still expecting that call but who cares!? I have myself, ain't that enough!?

In the streets of Laitumkhrah

I stayed back at my hostel for some work after my semster exams were done with. While everyone else left for their hometowns, I spent my days in my hostel room whose lone corridors now echoed with a mere sneeze of mine. The deafening silence that I had been living in for almost four-five days now was making me wonder if the things I'm chasing in life are vague and the big diabolical question of 'Am I truly happy?' began haunting me but this was not all, these were accompanied by other such philosophical and introspective thoughts that often kill a person's hope and make him/her gloomy. But then when there is too much darkness around, you know that light is just round the corner!

Now let's come to the present day. About an hour ago, as I was passing through the Laitumkhrah market that's near the back gate of St. Edmund's College, I saw a lady walk by and she seemed really familiar. She was wearing a navy blue Jainsem(the Khasi traditional attire for women), and carried a black hand bag and was the most confident lady I had ever seen. My admiration for the way she carried herself made me really inquisitive and I stopped on my tracks to take a moment and figure out if this was indeed the person I assumed her to be. In spite of being pretty sure that this was the person I've been desperately trying to meet for the past one year that I've been in Shillong, I opened up Facebook to reaffirm and indeed she was the lady I deeply admire and follow- Madam Patricia Mukhim, who apart from being a renowned social activist, writer, journalist and the editor of Shillong Times, has also been a recipient of many honours which include the Padma Shri.

Now my admiration of Madam Mukhim dates back to the time when I was around eight or nine years old and an avid reader of the 'Planet Young' section of Assam Tribune. They used to publish an interview of a renowned personality in each of their editions so as to inspire the children to work towards the right cause. One such interview was of Patricia Mukhim who talked about the adverse conditions she went through at an emotional and financial level when she was young which later inspired her to chase excellance. My father really liked this piece and got the published interview photocopied and handed out a copy each to all his three children, meaning, me and my elder siblings.

Coming from a middle class family myself, money has always been scarce and hence there have been times when frustrated with the circumstances, I was rebellious and hard to control. On such occasions, my father would always cite the example of Madam Mukhim who turned out extremely well in spite of all odds. This has always kept me going. And though Shillong was not my first choice to pursue my graduation, one thing that kept me content here during my initial days was the consolation that staying here at Shillong increases my chances of meeting this eminent personality, who has been a motivation to me ever since I was a kid.

 I have made several attempts to meet Madam Mukhim personally in the past one year, going out of my way to discover unknown, isolated paths on foot, not caring whether it rained or shined but have failed in my all my attempts. But walking through the streets of Laitumkhrah market today, I met her out of the blue! In the most unexpected and uncalled for moments when you're out of hope or motivation, isn't getting the privilege to meet someone you've been dying to get in touch with a blessing!?

I went to her and introduced myself as the girl whose story you just read and she looked really pleased to find an overwhelmed fan and admirer approaching her with a little tale of her own. I was at a loss of words, I couldn't express myself very well and yet I didnt stop even for a second once I had begun talking! It was indeed an encounter that shall remain with me forever but now, when this excitement and happiness has subsided, I realise that this was not just an accidental meet up with my idol but also life's way of teaching me two very important lessons:

1) The right things come to you at the right time. No matter how hard you try, things do not happen before their time is due.

2) Listening to one's heart and intuition is the key to a happy and guilt-free life. Had I not listened to my heart and stopped a second to confirm whether she was Patricia Mukhim for real, I would have never got the opportunity to talk to her!

A Candle-lit Mother's Day

Like a candle that burns free and illuminates and glorifies all that comes in its way, there are certain people whose existence is not just a matter concerning their personal well being, it also affects the survival and well being of many others.

In this piece, I am talking about all those unsung heroes who burn out and exhaust themselves in order to make another being smile, who shed tears to quench another's thirst, who bleed to make another live...I speak of mothers, lovers, soldiers or any person you can possibly think of who lives for others.

There is this guy I know who was born a premature child with many complications, the doctors even indicated the unbearable to the parents and yet his mother didnt give up. They say that labour is the hardest thing a woman ever endures...well the struggles of this mother didn't end with child bearing; she physically exerted herself and took intensive care of her child from the day it was born, so much so that even the doctors had to commend at her nursing later for it saved her baby's life!

There is a person I adore who supports me when I'm low and tries to understand me when even I give up on myself....you might think its my mom, or dad...well of course my parents are those rare gems whose care, affection or support is indescribable and priceless, however, here I am referring to the next most important person to me....my lover. Sometimes God sends you the strength you need via the presence of people like him who can be counted on at all times. I get bestowed with a mother's affection, a father's protection, a sibling's concern, a friend's adoration and a partner's love....all by the same person!

And then there are those brave men at the borders, sacrificing on their sleep and comfort, living far away from their loved ones just for the sake of the rest of the countrymen who merely speak of their patriotism. The jawaans live a life of risks and unpredictability where nothing is certain of their returning home and every goodbye can only be hoped not to be the last one.

As I write this piece, I experience a black out at my residence and the light of the candle is all I have to guide me out of the darkness that's scary and suggestive of countless bleak possibilities. I have Passenger's 'Let her go' on my playlist and it exactly describes what I intend to say.

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go"

Why wait to confess/share what you feel till its too late? Why not savour the moment while it still lasts!? This day being mother's day, let's be grateful to have all those wonderful people in out lives who may not be our biological kinsmen but have influenced our lives for the better! A mother is not just the one who gives you life....a mother is anyone who has that selfless attribute of a candle. My last candle is about to exhaust here, but I do hope the candles in our lives persist forever.

Happy Mother's Day!