Too much has been happening lately. Well there's always too much happening but then the voice within keeps narrating every tiny incident in a thousand different ways that it subconsciously fathoms. My life has never been dull, there's always drama, struggle, fights, hatred, love, pain and a maddening search for purpose and revelation.
I can't put to words the many instances that have made me scream for some solitude to sit back and write what's paining me, I can't even try jotting down the zillion times I have yearned for love, attention and cooperation in the past few days; but along with that, what I can also not count are my blessings.
An incident too overpowering needs to weaken me on my knees and make me let my guard off for me to actually sit down, put up a "DO NOT DISTURB" board on the door and write. Well, this time this overwhelming emotion wasn't induced by the silent tears I secretely shed in the shower on the morning of my twenty-second birthday; it wasn't induced by the historic, heated one-on-one debate with my father where I trembled and uttered the unspeakable and much abhorred truth of our lives; this time the urge to write was instigated by a light-hearted Netflix Movie called "Perks of being a Wallflower" and by a YouTube Video of a bubbly YouTuber called Prajakta Koli who goes by the name of "MostlySane".
In my early teens, a heartbreak was enough to inspire me to write but its perhaps reverse psychology in action, now that I am well settled in my twenties. Presently, a light-hearted Tuesday Talk by Prajakta and a Netflix movie perform the noble task of making the writer go from hibernation to creation mode.
So without reiterating my story of gloom any further, here are my realisations from the past few days:
1) You cannot control or change where you come from, but you can definitely regulate where you're going.
This is a dialogue from the movie I just mentioned but its also what my heart was refusing to accept for quite some time now. I'll spare you the details but I have had an excruciating childhood and am still struggling as a college kid. Everyone struggles, but I just feel that my struggles are different and a bit tougher than the ones my inner circle of friends deal with. And so whoever you are, whereever you are, whatever it is you are dealing with, know that nothing can be so bad for you to not be able to change or overturn it. Hanging on is what it takes for the tide to turn the other way around.
2) Pride and the craze for perfection are the harbingers of doom.
Prajakta's YouTube channel recently put up a video on the six biggest mistakes of her life (so far) and I feel like I have never related so much to even my boyfriend! Every mistake of hers is still a struggle for me. Being over ambitious, unconsciously hurting the emotions of the people I love the most, grabbing every opportunity of growth that comes by overlooking the importance of some time for the self, being arrogant and proud enough to not let the ideas of others take a front seat cause apparently, I know better... The list is endless but apology is just a word away. The word isn't "Sorry", its "humility". Being humble enough to acknowledge one's mistake is really all it takes to break free from one's prison of bad habits. With that being said, it must be noted that sorting things out is hundred times tougher than messing them up. But then again, we are humans and messes are what we are supposed to create and then struggle to solve them for several days, months or years at a stretch! (What else defines this perenial crisis to make a living or to leave an impression!?)
3) Special moments are rare but they're also priceless. And no tragedy is grave enough to take away from us our favourite memories.
The movie "Perks of being a Wallflower" is about the struggles of a high school freshman who has had a shady past with an Aunt exploiting him sexually. This Aunt dies in a road accident and the boy keeps blaming himself for her death. This makes him black out ocassionally and have visions of all his close people and their pain. He is extra sensitive to the pain of others (perhaps because he has a lot of pain within himself) and struggles with making friends. But in the end, everything falls into place (like it does in every High School themed movie I am so obsessed with) and he describes how it feels to be infinite. He says that we're all gonna be dads and moms someday but today is ours - what we have today cannot be changed. The present is all that matters or that should matter. Everything else - pains of the past or thoughts of the future aren't reasons good enough to denounce that beautiful fleeting moment when we look into the eyes of the one we love, kiss the lips we enjoy melting in, wear that dress we wanted for so long, meet those friends we hadnt seen for the longest time or simply have that piece of pastry that feels heavenly on every single bite. Those special moments when we speedily drive down the highway with our favourite song on and feel the evening air kiss our cheeks are enough to make our temporal existence remarkable.
Afterall, a finite life is measured not necessarily with success stories but probably with this feeling of being infinite despite every setback!
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