The everlasting love

#An excerpt from Dreamer Hello's diary. (25 February 2016)

What’s life without dissatisfaction, failure and heartbreak? What’s the point of rank one if you have never known rank zero? Upon spending some quality time with my soul, I find myself in one such state today when I’m superficially alright and content but find deep dissatisfaction, immense pain and a heartbreak that has been continuing for a long time. I don’t know what should be kept close to heart: past success or present failure; bygone darkness or future happiness? It all means so much and also seems futile. This introspection is both promising and confusing. Life has never been unkind to me; not even for a second. And at any moment even if it did seem unfair, I eventually found out that things did happen for my best interest.

Now as I sit in my geography practical class, pondering upon the things I did wrong, the things I long for, the moments I want to live again, the roads I’d never prefer going back to, the people I want around, the people I want gone, the things I want accomplished, the targets I’ve missed, the life that I’m living – I see myself grow. My weaknesses and limitations; my flaws and wrongs are what define me. People love me for my preferable qualities and people dislike me for my undesirable traits but there is one person who accepts both my fortes and flaws with the same vigour and that person is the one I see when I look into the mirror.

So this whole existence is after all to make my soul and body do things to the world that’ll remain even after I’m gone. My soul grows and I learn, I learn and I share and thus I contribute to the everlasting love prevailing in nature and the world and thereby create an irreplaceable place for myself in the history of the world.

Delicate Feathers of Love

Come to me in the lonely hours of the night
And I shall let you into a world
Where there is none to watch out
The actions of hearts budding in deep love.

As the moon walks in and beautifies the sky
I'll let you into my core and keep you forever
Under the embrace of eternal love and warmth
We shall live a transcendent, mystique life.

Here is my veracious account of the dreams
I've had each night and lived each moment.
Our time together, though tragically transient
Has brought a million reasons to smile, laugh and love.

Come to me in the quiet hours of the morning
And I shall let you into a world where
There is none to disrupt the blissful moment of love
That caresses us with its delicate feathers and
Escorts us to a world where no lover has ever known grief.

The hour long walk

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

 I was fourteen and in an unfamiliar locality with strangers and acquaintances less interacted with around me. The place was beautiful yet the fear of having none to confide in or have a hearty chat with disabled me from soaking in all that the place had to offer. And while I ponder upon the have-nots of the moment, walks in the most attractive person I had seen in ages. He comes and sits beside me. With a good physique, wavy and long hair falling all over his forehead, a satchel on his back and a camera around his neck, the stranger comes and sits beside me. I steal glances of him, the fear of being caught staring occupies my mind and then…. it happens: our eyes meet. I observe that he is just a few years older than I am and yet is unusually confident of what he says and does: a character I admire in people.

The bus comes to a halt and the hour long walk to the caves begins. My teammates sense my desire to walk with the stranger by my side and they let me. Overwhelmed, I move out and find the stranger still waiting for me. We had still not shared a word and yet, somehow it clicked both of us that we should spend the next hour in each other’s company. The guide keeps on narrating the rich history of the majestic place we had set foot in but by now the stranger was no longer a stranger to me. He was a person with a name and with eyes that twinkled every time he smiled and talks that could mesmerize even an unromantic person as me.

That hour gave me innumerable memories, memories to be cherished and treasured in the days, months and years to come. Little did I know that even seven years of contact post that one hour was insufficient to make a bond last a lifetime. And then, just like that, without any warning or a goodbye, a phone call took him away. It was the last time I had seen those twinkly eyes.

We were constantly in touch even after I returned home and went to the next town for further education. The distance between us hardly mattered to us until one fateful day when differences started showing up. Each thought the other was wrong, each wanted the other to apologize first and then…just like it had begun - unasked and in an unexpected manner, the love that united us was gone…..taking him away from me.

No amount of pleading could bring him back and therefore I moved on. Then some months later, I received a note from him asking me to revive the bond but by now I was a young woman of twenty one, too strong to be affected by emotions once abandoned. And thus the game of turning each other down continues but in our heart of hearts, we are both aware that we rule each other’s minds ever since the day of the hour long walk.

Mom, I promise

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

Whenever dad left for some place far to accomplish some task, I had tears in my eyes and she always asked me 'Will you cry the same way if I go to some place far?'. When people asked whom do you love the most- dad or mom? My answer was never her name. Ironically, she has always been the one who stood up for me and rubbed my tears. At times, even dad failed to understand my point but not once did she overlook my likes and preferences. That's what my mother is - epitome of selfless love. Someone who expects nothing in return for all that she does.
But have I reciprocated? Did I help her clean up the kitchen when she was exhausted after a tiring day that was spent mostly cleaning the mess I created? And as disgraceful and ungrateful as it is, the answer is 'I always had more important things to do'. As I recall the many conflicts we had over the years where I thought and felt that mom nagged and was keen on finding my faults, I realize that it was never her who was mean but me being immature and heartless with my words. The realization overwhelms me and I am utterly clueless as to what can compensate for my rude behavior to the one person I owe my life to. Perhaps there is nothing that can mend things that are messed but there are certainly things that can prevent any further pain that my harsh words which are spoken impulsively can cause. 
Yes. A promise is what I need. A vow to be kind to my mother. A vow to keep a check on what comes out of my mouth. A vow to not hurt the person who has already borne a lot of pain to get me where I stand today. If I can be sweet and soft spoken to the whole universe then why not to my mother? Out of all the people, she is probably the only one who would be there  by my side when the whole world turns against me!
Mom, I promise to be a good daughter to you henceforth. I promise to not be a reason  for your distress. I promise to make you proud. And here's my answer to your question: If you ever go to some place far, I wouldn't cry, for that will mean that I'll be alright after a few minutes or hours or days; I would be devastated and would probably never laugh or smile again. 
Happy Mother's Day Maa!!! I know I've never told this to you but Maa, I Love You.

Unattainable on knees

What do you do when life is reluctant to give you the only thing you've ever asked for? Do you try looking for ways to get yourself the thing or do you wander about with a void in your heart and dried tears in the realms of your eyes? Do you cry yourself to bed or remain awake in wait of that unattainable dream you so earnestly desire to have? I don’t know about the way you deal with this situation (which I’m sure has occurred in everyone’s life at least once) but for someone who has never known and remembered a single instance where (s) he was denied any thing (s) he really wanted; it is extremely difficult to not think of the thing (s) he does not only wish to have but has also grown to fall in love with. Such people probably seek out and strive to get themselves the thing they love. They probably fight all odds of life and win what fate couldn't grant them.  I've always wondered, what’s so unique in an achiever that is envied by all non-achievers, what is so different that makes them get everything they want while others still remain empty handed and heartbroken.
Obviously the pain, the realization and the acceptance of the unattainable kills a part of a person every day. It’s like; you get up every morning with hopes of getting your dream and are left dejected at the end of the day.  While level of determination and perseverance differs from person to person, what remains same for every one is the burden of the unattainable carried in the heart which happens to only increase with each passing day. Even the strongest person would someday break down if this continues for a long time. There is definitely nothing as dejecting as your emotions and desires going unreciprocated by the one you adore or by life itself!
But on the brighter side, it’s making you resistant to any sort of pain. You die every day because of the unattainable thing of your life but each morning you do get up with a hopeful heart, energetic hands ready to deal with any plausible hindrance and a smile (even if it’s visible to you alone)  and look forward to the probable gift of the unattainable that life might bestow you with! Is it not surviving and getting immune to death? Well, I don’t know how you see it but for someone who has never been denied a single thing by life; it is the only way (s) he convinces fate to grant what otherwise wasn't destined for him/her. The thing that makes an achiever a person so enviable by the non achievers is this enigmatic and unspoken virtue of surviving the daily trivial deaths surmounted with the vision of getting through the actual death by making the unattainable  approach them on their knees!

The Wait

Have you ever waited? If yes, for how long and what was the thing you waited for? Was it a 'thing' or something that takes in oxygen and gives out carbon dioxide? Was the wait worth it? Was your patience rewarded? 

Do tell me because I am someone who waited for the wrong things in life. Things that never showed up. Things that made promises of eternity but acted too nonchalantly. They say things in life are transitory but they never complete their sentence. Well, I've realized that the complete sentence ought to be: things in life are transitory, make memories but don't live on them. The things that make us the most happy or unhappy are non-existent. Its just the memory of a thing that makes us overwhelmed. Then why is it that we hold on to memories. What is the wait for when we can just surpass the moment and go exploit the next big goal? The idea of holding on to things of the past or things unreal always itched me but when reality knocks on the door of your imaginations and ideologies you can't just sit back and pretend to have not heard the knock. Reality can neither be ignored or hidden. When reality speaks, life begins and with life come the thousands of moments that keep us on the wait. So the wait is a part of the process of living and living a life is an indicator that reality exists.

 As I sit back and join all the dots, I go back to the thousands of memories I've made with people dead and alive, near and far and I find the answers to my questions; yet when asked to repeat what reality just clarified to me, I  become as unsure and clueless as I was initially. The puzzle of life gets simplified and messed up with each wave that hits the shore; it clears doubts and poses dilemmas with each raindrop that kisses the ground. And we the oxygen-takers-and-carbon-dioxide-givers are mere spectators who witness the process and try getting our heads into the whole thing just to satisfy our vanity.

The next time reality knocks your door to explain the reason behind the wait, do tell me what the answers to my questions are. And there I am....in the wait again....of finding answers to questions answered time and again!

Friend In Need

Nights are wet, days are lone
The dreamt dream is forever gone.
The companion sought did never show up
The heart is lonely and things are tough.

But look who made time to stop by!
Its 'hope' here, to make things high.
It says to love the self the most
And to the self be a generous host.

The pure, legitimate love was never seen
The dream to the lover was always mean.
Heart was dejected not once but twice
To shatter the heart that shall suffice.

 But what the dream refused
Triggered the friend's muse.
Friend helped the heart out of the pit
Of unrequited love it earlier refused to leave.



Author's note: In honor of every little thing and each true friend who helps a broken heart to live life through smiling faces.